I sit here once again to publish my thoughts only a few will even take the time to read but to those who do I want to thank you and those who don’t I pray for you even more. I pray each and everyday that those who don’t know God will come to soon. I feel though that we as people of this earth only have so much time. We are only give so much opportunity and time by the messages we hear from people who walk with God. That one day will come whether it is after we, this generation of the currently living, die or before only God knows when He will come. Jesus said “only my Father knows the hour in which He will come.” So why not prepare yourself for that day not the day you get your next car or even your next job. Prepare today even as I write these words down as God already knew I would do. In the most perfect time we live in to announce such things that I am going to announce to you. Stop, Look, Examine your lives that you so desire to live it is in accordance with God’s? I look at mine and see that maybe not quite so but I am on the journey of life for real this time where I don’t look back and those who I don’t currently see now in my future will be left in the past only to find themselves maybe alone in this world but truly your never alone. Maybe you ask yourself if God is there why don’t He answer me. Well even the ones all the way back to Genesis the land filled with wickedness of people and the land was corrupt before the flood those people of Tubal Cain were not listening so they did not hear God. When the flood came they finally did but by then all the wickedness had drowned in the things that they were doing which was living in the flesh and not for God. You know even now in the present time we live in the flesh not relying on God for the answers to the questions not yet asked out loud but by in our hearts the words go without sound. Silence our hearts sit inside our bodies contained there but the heart of us is our soul and its should speak out to be heard the words of truth. I shall remain faithful and hopeful that one day I will see all of you again even those who think they are saved on this earth please you have know idea people. Yet again another example of not listen if we the people the inhabitants of this earth were already saved why then are we still here on this earth. While yes having believe, faith, repent and being baptized starts the salvation process our work is not done. I myself once lived in a world full of false teachings simply because I did not open God’s word and really look inside the words of truth. My life I have always searched for the Truth only to find lies. I do not blame the people who taught me for what they were taught I can only blame the one who started these lies of once saved always saved and even the so called sinners prayer to ask Jesus in to your heart. That is simply a lie and if you were taught that I suggest you find the real truth most of which is a place call the Churches of Christ. Al though I will say this not all of those are maintaining the true doctrine according to the Church. I can speak the truth over and over and some may not even hear it or read it on my pages I will leave behind. I will say this the ones who do read this or may hear me speak am I saying the truth you have been wanting to hear. If so open your hearts and minds free yourselves with the burdens of the search you have so desperately been seeking. Just as my words have been written only to be glanced upon by a select few while I do not or will ever compare what I write to what was written so long ago in the Bible but my pages that I author here on my blog or Facebook will to be by most go on ignored. Ignoring the words you read because this whole time for those Christians, or more or less claim something that you either don’t live by anymore or most were not in the first place, out there I beg you examine your life does it add it up to God’s word. I urge you now to look about your self down to your very essence of your breathe of being not leaving one no not one inch unturned by your eyes does it match at least some of what God has directed us to do. I know there are things n this world that I may not do but I will try at least to get it done. One thing for sure that I don’t do which I should do more often and by means of now I am doing is holding those who claim to be Christians or the ones who think that they are saved completely now is hold you accountable for all that you are currently doing now. Most of you are not listening and you wonder why your lives feel so disgusting sometimes or wondering why God wont answer your prayers. Its really simple listen to Him and He will listen to you. If you live your life wondering why God allows things to go on the way he does if you knew Him you would already know the answer to that question. Then you go on about your life taking God’s Name in Vain yet you don’t even know what that means anymore. Then you announce to people that you believe in God but not organized religion. I will answer that one you don’t want to live by that organized religion but you want a clean and organized house in which you live. Why do we want a clean and organized house but not religion. No sense to me. What makes sense is the ones who say they believe but are not really believers to obey God is to believe Him in all the things He has spoken the by the writings inspired by Him to be written. First things first God has no last name and even if you don’t believe in God. Are you really an atheist when you curse His name? How can you be something such as that of an atheist when you take His Name in Vain? I will say this I quit smoking because I was not in accordance with Him who I truly believe and I truly believe by trying to Obey Him with everything that is in me. Obeying God’s word is not just on on faith or saying you do its by actually living according to Him and everything He has spoken or inspired those in writing. I leave now my arms are tired my brain is quiet and all the words come to a close for now. With tears in my eyes and pain in my face I know that very few will read this most wont even care cause they do not believe and the ones who say they do and don’t follow every word of God’s will one day be gone forever for real. I care and love all people and pray for all of you that one day you will see the light. If you do see the light on this please don’t worry about loosing friends I don’t I will love all those who hate me or do not follow along as I do one day you may exist no more as you really do believe now. Your soul will be destroyed and you can not see what I may see. I can only hope that, that one day of Judgement comes I will be truly forgiven and be allowed to see the true creation of Heaven.
As I sit here wondering and wandering in my mind I come to find the words that I leave behind in others minds. I know they are just words written in and on a computer to post to a blog. Digitally I find those words live on in the world of the internet that is tracked by the NSA. Why when we speak out loud or have written something down people can understand them straight and to the point while some it takes more that a minute to begin to fathom what God speaks in the words that are written in the Bible. No matter how you read it electronically or on paper. Its very difficult to think that we speak so much more clearer or more intelligent than those of ancient times. If that’s the case why is there no context to my words. I am talking to everyone now and who read this after you. They will infer many things which is utterly stupid to infer anything of what I say cause I speak directly to all people with no context of setting cause I did not put one single form that you could not understand my words are very clear. Then why is the context so important to understand what those who have written in the bible. Are our times so that much different? Not really the only difference is that we are more advanced in what we live in and the things we use the building or vehicles we see or drive or enter those structures. Does that make our minds so much more advanced I think not. I think personally our minds have become rotten with things that should not be in the first place. We were allowed to proceed the thoughts into form of the physical simply because God allowed it. Why then is reading and studying the bible seems as though its one of the hardest things to do in life. Not wanting to read or study what is laid down in the form of words before us. With the advancements of civilizations now is the bible more advanced than us? Questions that form from my mind are endless as to why I can not find a way to explain this maybe its our hearts are truly blinded by other things in this world that we can see or feel or begin to fathom the words of love that are written. Why don’t we clearly see this and we go on ignoring the things in the bible and say things like that’s context and only applies to those that they were talking about at the time at the time it was written. Even more so Churches around this country are allowing things to fit into culture like allowing women to speak or homosexuality to enter and go on like its not against God’s word. Just so they can have more people come to there church when they don’t even know what The Church is about. You have no idea what I am talking about then you need to read study your bible. Don’t be misguided by those that are trying to lead you go to the source and ask those who really know the truth. Picture all this with all the thoughts that are running around in your mind at this time if you read this take it to heart it was meant for you to. To possibly crush those thoughts about why we cant understand something so simple in our so advanced world.
As I sit here with wishful thoughts of one day seeing the light beyond this place I yearn to see your smiling face. I sit here on the bed with old stuff scattered about from a years worth of past. I only look upon and try to smile even though tears fall from long memories burned in. From the day I was baptized to even to right before that I shared great times with one of the most inspirational person I have known. You accomplished so many things of greatness now you live on in the memories of mine and all those you shared your life with. I can now only imagine what it will be like to see you again. I don’t know for sure if you will be exactly the same or what I will even appear to be like I do know that while on earth our love was great and still is the greatest love I have ever experienced. I have learned over the past year an incredible amount of things about people even though it would seem as though some places I went I shouldn’t have gone like Daniel being thrown into the lions den but not quite the same cause mine were people as vicious as they seemed weather or not they were family by blood or not the ones I lived with good or bad as they tried to be to me. Still to this day I don’t hate no one no matter what was done to me emotional wise never physical cause as far as I know no one wouldn’t dare to even cross that line. Although not sure of my actions I am glad for me and them that it never came to that. I have made mistakes and hit a few for the words they spoke I apologized to them that was not being a true Christian. Now I look at what I must do to be one and with your inspirations as well as God’s in mind I keep my eyes on Him not to fall astray with words of past wisdoms spoke to hearts of those that truly hear the Shepard calling. Its time now to conquer all that remains that is to continue to walk without shame of my past I look only to see Him one day and behold I hope I can say I done my best Lord. With this in mind with words now written never again will I smoke a cigarette and more people should do the same. I now am experincing something so new I don’t remember when I felt so not so blue. I still have my moments of monuments of digging up bones so to speak that are dead and gone with only memories left of inspirations never ending cause your inspirations came from same source as mine and all the Christians that remain upon this earth. The Bible is there if I read and study it I am now able to bear my cross that I must carry to the end of my days. Wait now I see the cross has been lifted by Jesus’s hands when He carried His to Calvary. I now know the truth of which I so desired long ago except it was helped along by Him that one day I met you and the rest of your family. Your parents are awesome still true Christians as far as I can tell only God knows what is in our hearts. Its different now how clear I see I wished I could have begun this journey while you were still here you would have been even more happy than you were. I do remember so much from the distant past not crying these days as I was because I remember a Christian should not cry like I have no hope but I am still effected by the verse “ Jesus Wept”. Now I gather for this feast of words hopefully changing someone’s mind about who I am or how a Christian should be just remember Jeannie and the life she lived and you will know where inspiration of mine begins. I don’t write so often because it takes so much out of me then I remember our trips to Myrtle Beach where you climbed Mt. Atlanticus and others and you walked around to play mini golf so much fun we had. I was simply amazed to see you walk the distance now you don’t have to walk any further. That’s why you are my inspiration cause you went the distance I see people who don’t even try well that was over the past year in all the places I went carrying you in my thoughts and Jesus in my heart where He will always stay. There are more like you with your determination I am sure cause they have their heart where yours was. One day just imagining a world without you and while it hurts still love is their warming my soul with the light of Jesus in there. I never will forget you I know some feelings may fade but its your simple determination that sets me a goal that no matter what I will no longer sit with woe is me. I now sit with what maybe my last breathe and the Lord willing to see another day. Although if He calls me home I will not refuse for He is the one I live for. When one day all will see the the truth come in a great big light they will sit no longer for it will be a time to go. As I close this page and post to my blog I will always love you Jeannie a wife forever mine.
Its almost been a year since my wife died I have been on one long on going roller coaster. As I continue to go on that I look back at all the friends I have met new ones and old ones. People just don’t talk like they use too it is so different after an important person in a family dies. Some people loose there way or go on about there business either way that person can feel alone in this world but I know that is not true. I am and will never be completely alone. I have God above watching and waiting till that way is conquered by me until I see him again. When I return it will be his plan not mine as it has always been his alone and no one else. While the world is full of wars of all kinds weather it is physical, spiritual, or mental we all are victors in the war in life as we battle all sorts of things from enemies of another country or demons of our own. In all our minds we may see things differently but we will all come to same conclusion hopefully. Even with a certain few days coming up June 6, 1944 D-Day, and June 7, 2014 I remember people on those day that suffered great loss and when I suffered great loss. I think about all the families who live on and move forward knowing there is and end to all this madness of the world where finally we can be in peace. As I come to terms with my loss I pray for those who still live in difficult times even my self with my mind out of control in thought. While I make since on paper of some type of media I realize thoughts are just thoughts not written to refrain from speech to neglect such negative results. I am just thankful that I don’t publish everything I write simply cause those are my thoughts not supposed to be read by others so that I may keep my sanity, which is very scarce at this point. I know others feel the same as I feel but we all handle things differently. Some go on move on forward remember the loss of the one that kept them going or thought of deeply. Without end it’s a cycle that must be completed. We know we die for whatever reason it may be from all is the same to me cause we all die of something somewhere without knowledge of such. We are all the gatekeepers and our brothers keeper in the serious war on life to fight for what we believe in. Our goal in life is still the same to find peace hopefully the good way cause like my mind is crazy with thoughts we choose the way we want to walk in life. We make choices and live with them. I have made the choice to write the most deeply thought words you will ever read. I love all people no matter what they look like but people make it hard to accept love from one person to afraid of being happy cause they find happiness in something that is not in the next life. This world is full of negative so much that it is terrifying to see what I see and feel and know. The jewels I wear from the riches of deep knowledge and understanding of this world and everything in it. That all that to say that no matter what you do there are consequences. To find peace in that is like seeing a soldier coming home from war. To see them alone is a miracle in all that they have to done to do so. They went they saw and they conquered but then at the same time I think of the ones that died there or people that die anywhere. We came to this world we saw many things when we die we conquered what we were supposed to because in life all life must die so that we will have a chance to return to the Almighty. As a plant starts, grows, then when its supposed to dies returns to the earth and the cycle repeats. From whence we came we shall return.
From a time in each of our lives all the way back to the very first time you remember no matter what age we remember how we suffered. We the people of this planet all over the planet people have suffered. Some not knowing why and how long we will suffer. As the past 8 months I have suffered greatly but I remember there are others who are currently and in the past have. I remember the children that suffer right this minute. I remember all the people that have suffered all the way back from the beginning. I have looked back quite a distance and remember so much of suffering I endured emotionally. Then I turn my eyes on people who are no longer here because God said suffer no more your body is tired, truly tired. As I sit overwhelmed by tears that are wanting to pour. I remember one person that suffered greatly. She was my wife who suffered over 20 years. While in mind there are others who suffered from the same. Now I turn to in my mind all the things she shared with me and one of those things is that there is so many out there that we don’t know about who suffer from the same. No matter where we look with our eyes whether it be inside us in our minds or outside we can really notice that the earth suffers too. Vegetation not so grand as it once was and people or most caused it. No matter where we go suffering will cause us inside to change emotionally. We are frustrated at the sight of injustice by those who suffer from such soreness. Not knowing what lay ahead in the future we try to remember Jesus Christ who suffered immensely even before he was put on the cross. Now we have something to look for if we keep in mind those such as Jeannie, my love, my inspiration. I will say I truly understand now. Through the tears even while you were still on the this earth. I now know what is really going on. Thank You so much for everything you ever said or done for me. I still love you I cant help it. I love you still even though your not here. I will do my best for the rest of my life with many changes that I am not ready for. I don’t know if love will ever come to me truly cause I truly don’t know. Only God knows that answer so for now I will only try to be the best person I can be. I will try now to be as closest I can be to God as possible which means I have to rid myself of all things that hinder me. I will quit sitting here and feeling sorry for my self and remember you. You gave your life to God in all the ways possible even when your were so sick but you got up from the bed you were in and gave it some more. So with all that in each of our minds that read this remember just remember all the Veterans that gave their lives for this country the ones who are here and not here. The ones that are here still suffer for all that they saw when they were in the service some still currently serving this country who are fighting for the safety of us. They suffer greatly as well. My suffering comes from feeling the emotions of others who have endured such horror in their lives. I also remember that there comes a time when the suffering comes to an end. No matter where we look suffering and then one day you, with hope and doing what God asks you to do, will see happiness and beauty beyond our feeble little minds. We must forgive all those who trespass against us no matter how big or small it was. With God as our final judge and gives us one day of such in the end its all worth it to suffer. I have taking a break from writing some of the post on my blog I do want to remove not really needed for my purpose. Thanks so much for reading God bless.
I am not sure where to begin with this one. Words lately have become scarce. Not sure what to think or say or even do. I do know there are people in this world that need special care and understanding on our part. As we walk with God in mind and heart I began to realize that there really is a puzzle almost where I can see the pieces and the finish product but cant exactly see how they fit. As I wonder and wander through the minds of others its really terrifying to think “Are we so unique that we cant help another in need?” Not in my mind we have to try to reach others by our words. Cant be forced either other wise you see a spill on isle 5 that needs to be cleaned up because you were a child on the cereal isle begging your mom for some weird jacked up cereal that you at the time could not pronounce. So as we continue to sit and wonder how to reach that person we must first ask three questions : What is your name? How are you doing? What can I do for you? See in my mind its not about what I can achieve from doing this its what they achieve. Its not about me really its about God in what he has called us to do. Those in need take pride in helping but not to be proud within yourself bring glory to Him that gave you life in the first place. There are many that I hold dear and very near to my heart but there is one that new one I feel like a child in a candy store. Then I realize that to much to soon can cause stomach aches even heartaches. So I am working on the puzzle pieces to fit them the best way not just a fast way to hurry and get to the end and say “hey I completed that!” To me its not about that. I don’t want to completely complete it I want to expand it and grow with it. Then when the end comes and the hand is dealt I can be satisfied that it was at its best. Very strange thoughts that come from my mind not knowing what I will say but I with the best intentions do not mean to cause harm its 2015 now and so much has happened. Life is sad sometimes to think that you cant always get what you want but I know this I will always be happy what I have at the moment cause each grows shorter by the minute for all of us. Breathe by breathe til your last. So take one minute to thank God for the minute you do have and maybe you shared it with someone special. That love never fades no matter how much stuff gets piled on top of it. It may get buried and hurt when you move things out of the way but its still there you havent lost it or anything that you gained in your life. Yes my life has been hard and so has everyone’s. The past year has been difficult but there are words I hear everyday that just hits the tears I thought I had lost dried up like raisins. I have cried so much but then I realize that’s ok cause I begin to heal. Healing is awesome. Just remember this Love of another is right around the corner. No matter what you have done or will do or what someone said or has done to you someone out there really loves you. Now piece together all this that I have written and you will see the beautiful picture and it begins with You…
It is ironic how we walk this earth with joy in our lives to see the beauty in which God has given us the ability to see and hear the sounds of His voice echoing. Life is also filled with sadness at times that we can not see his beauty in that and the reason is Death has no face and if he did it would probably startle us to the point that we realize that Death is not the scary part is not knowing what happens after it. Even though we know what God says it will be like. His words are true but our minds plague us by Fear. When we know God we must realize that what is there to fear. I have no fear when it comes to speaking the truth so in turn I should have no fear of what happens when we loose someone. Each loss maybe different which I myself have not experienced loosing a Father or Sister or Brother by birth. I have experienced something like no other that I have before June 7, 2014 when Jeannie went from this world. Its been a touch and go with God on this not understanding His purpose or plan for such events in my life. I have no fear of what happen after with her I only have fear of being without her but I do know I am not really without her. She has never left my heart which is difficult at times knowing what I know. There has been someone who reminded me of this last night. A good and dear friend is name will not be mention because its not really important of who its what they said. I know God has a greater plan and purpose for me. When I figured it out it changed cause I changed when I am weak not knowing why I was falling into the darkness that plagues us all. We have to remember that we follow God we walk in the light where no darkness can find residence. The hard part is staying in the light and I want to elaborate on that darkness which is sin by the way. If we don’t change the path we are on and we fall victim to the darkness of Satan by letting lies and any other corrupt idea or anything that is not of God and his word then we will loose. Well I say by the truth that’s in my heart I will not be a victim but a survivor of what I called the greatest illness, Sin. Sin comes in many forms and followers of Christ know this or hopefully know it. I have some hurdles to get passed but I will conquer them regardless of the effects of others that don’t see it the way I do or more importantly the way God sees it to be. No more sitting here or laying down on the job of being the best person God wants me to be. I will speak the truth no matter what may come of it. If I am speaking the truth as God has instructed me to do then I will even in life or death situation. He has been the only one that has truly been there no matter what I have said or done and continues to be and do so. Even now with tears of joy with pain in my face with a smile I say that. I know now what I must do I will be guided by those who can guide me that God has entrusted to do so. Sometimes its difficult to imagine what we would do when it comes to really telling the truth. Something my Mom always said to me growing up she said to me always tell the truth no matter the hurt she also said I didn’t raise you to be liars. If I was wrong I have always admitted it even in times I was in trouble with the law when I was younger about 18 and 19 years old. That was a rough year then if you don’t know that is the year 1998. February that year my Grandma passed my moms mother. In December 23, 1998 is a date, no matter how my memory behaves, I will never forget. That was the date my Mom passed away from Breast Cancer she was in a coma. Since it being that date the family was urged to have a burial sooner than normal so we said yes that would be best. So December 24, Christmas Eve, my mom was layed to rest for the final time. Time has passed and still gets to me. I will be truthful time is not of God so why should we say time will ease your pain. No time wont only God can truly take our pain away but since we are on this earth we all have to suffer in some way otherwise we wouldn’t know we were human with raw emotions that sometimes you just cant control. Since years about 15 or so have passed since my mom and grandma passed and now my Wife passing still brings pain like no other. I am thankful that people are around helping in everyway they can sometimes my pain gets extreme and I react. Well I have to learn that the people that try to help are not the problem its me with the uncontrolled emotional pain. Which by the way I feel as though I really do feel emotions different but I do know for a fact that everyone experiences emotions different as well as pain emotional and physical. I am not alone in this world there are truly others that feel the way I do my problem was that I was blinded once again by the words that were being said in my mind me being allowed to be tested to see in which direction my heart would go. I know my purpose is to help those in need through my struggles that one day we may all be on the same page as God to truly see his beauty which his has thought spoken and written into existence. His beauty is in the hearts of many like my Grandma, Mom and most of all my sweet precious Jeannie. To come to self realization through the Word of God is painful to know the real truth which all will be revealed to us by many means whether it be His Word or by people that are truly following in the Light of Him. I will get through this like I have always gotten through this as I have been reminded by a few people that I am a strong man and a man of God. I hope that some how this reaches the hearts of many to think on for a while no need of comments. Just pray for me and you will see the change you so desire to see for the Glory of God. With the truth being said I wish you the best in your journey that I may inspire you some how the ones who read this let it be known that don’t let society or your friends or family even choose your path that only God has planned for you. No matter what the cost always tell the truth it will truly make you free. If you are doing wrong in Gods eyes than change it if you are doing what He has instructed you to do then do it no matter what simply because He is the only one you need to worry about pleasing Him and Glorifying Him which gave you life. Later……..
As I sit here once again in the room that used to be Jeannie’s, which I still consider it hers. Things that are mostly scattered are hers but now mine entrusted to me by her. There are things in this room I don’t consider mine. As I grieve along with the rest who dearly loved her and still do like her mom, dad and sister and all the rest that were very close to her I think about the rest of the people that did not show care. Most of them which I have blocked two may come unblocked at some point but not any of her friends that were called the Lupe troop. I don’t care much about them I thought they were all blocked till last night when I read that one of them was still lingering. What is disappointing is that when the end came they all ran to each other not to the ones that needed them or spread lies. I don’t have to name names cause they are already being dealt with in a spiritual manor and will continue to be dealt with by God! I have forgiven all that have transgressed me in anyway but that don’t me I forget. Forgiveness comes easy for me but forgetting unless by some chance I have memory issue’s of my own. You know what though I have to do it simply because God asks me to do such things to be closer to him. I think in all our lives there have been and some continue to still plague us of the wrong they did. What really gets me is that all the ones mentioned before as the Lupe Troop that were at the wedding were liars and did not like me from the beginning. They really only tolerated me because of Jeannie which in reality really means they were that good of friends to Jeannie. Which breaks my heart when it came to her to find out that those people, and yes I said those people, were as oppressive and sinister as the devil. Well I have never been perfect but at least I am willing to admit it. I believe all those thought they were. Now as things take there course I believe they for some reason will be forgotten at some point. They only linger because of things that were said should have never been said. I may have a broken heart from Jeannie passing but its not by the mouths that speak ill will towards others. I so will remember this for the rest of my life. What really bugs me is I was in the house of two that called me to my face “family”, liars they are. You know what God says about liars they are as guilty as murderers, thieves and all the rest that work for the devil. Things will change when God allows it to change. So now that all being said I say this Broken hearts are mended by God alone. Jesus will help all those that want it and follow him to death if he so shall desires it. I will all ways shout his name to the highest places to the lowest. People have no idea what they say or think but I simply only care about what God thinks or says. Nothing else matters about anything in this world except me following God the way he has instructed us to be. Things like I have mentioned above is what weighs me down. It reminds me but does not compare to what the Jewish people went through or what other nationalities went through around WWII or any other war that was about oppression and slavery. We are slaves by people who use words carelessly. Not thinking about what it may cause them or others around them. Not realizing the effects that may incur to others along the way cause by the time this is all said and done the story will be told fully by me without repercussions from those that think just cause you call me family dosent mean for one second that I actually believe you cause I know truth when I hear it. I am more apt to believe someone who goes to learn and educate themselves about God than those mothers who leave their child with there husbands only to find when they get home there son is on the kitchen floor eating a bag of sugar and her husband who is a cop is in the bed asleep. Not judging people or even sins just stating facts that were mention to me by the mother who is by the way a 911 supervisor. Any way I think its time to close this cause I will just keep on and on. I point out the obvious and tell the truth no matter what the cost to me or anyone else. This all need to be said and you know what I feel even better sharing what so called “ friends” can do or say or want to do not knowing that what they said or done can come back to bite them. To all that read this I am sorry if by what I says offends you or causes you to be upset by these words. I said all this to say don’t let the words of the wicked rule you or bring you down and separate your relationship from God. I pray for all those that pray for me and I know who they are. I want to be a good influence to people not a bad one which I want the same for those around me please. Till next time God bless and follow him that gave you life.
As I have listened to a song just now and cried my eyes out. I think of those touching moments I shared with Jeannie. Its so hard to live without her she even told me that she was worried about that very thing. Today in itself was a changing event. I now realize what is going on with me and what I need to do to accept that she is gone to God and one day I hope to see her I just have to wait and endure what comes along. I was selfish and Honestly am not supposed to be according to God’s word. We as Christians are supposed to be selfless not selfish and the reason for that is simple that means we are living for flesh not spirit of which made us. From whence we came we shall return. Ashes to ashes dust to dust. My burdens are not as great suffer by Jesus. He was without sin but his Father made him endure so that we may have everlasting life. In that hope that we read about and study tells us that we can do all things through God. We may not know the future or can change what we do know about it. We all know that one day we will meet him and hopefully he will let us all enter that narrow gate. I know and fully understand what I must do. With me I am a quick learner. I just have to keep following what he says to do to get there. We are all sinners but to follow him is so much sweeter. I have to lay my Heavy Burdens down at his feet so that he may crush them like grapes. I may moan and groan about the way the world is and most of the people in it not realizing that I myself are do what I despise the most living for worldly things and not focusing my attention to greater things. With my faults there plus what I don’t mention I stand alone in my own sin. So now what to do? I do what he ask me to do. That is to lift those up in need even though I struggle with loss and other things. I have faith that one day I will see Jeannie again maybe not as I remember but I am hoping that smile that so lingers in my mind. While other images of her remain that are not so grand to look upon the face of death. I will rid those images to where I can cope with life itself. Not knowing what lay ahead of me I know that if I continue the way before I wrote this I was not going to see her. I was tormented by those who thought I didn’t love her. That in itself was murder and it is the same as to lie or steal or be jealous of those that have more. Sin is Sin no matter how you see it. I realize now that why am I letting those people affect my very existence which God gave me not man or woman. Why should I let those oppress me or confuse my walk only to stumble to realize that God is the only one to trust. He says do not put your faith in man only God alone. So I pray for all those who don’t understand that think they do understand. If we waiver just the least bit we could be cut down and thrown into the furnace. I will stand account for everything I have said not said and everything I have done or have not done. Just so you know I do know when people pray for me and it is a lot of people. You might ask how I know just read 1 Corinthians 12 and you will see. I am not hiding anything anymore simply because remember everything done in the dark shall be brought to the light. John 14:6 Jesus *said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me. You version bible app verse of the day says NASB version. September 3, 2014: “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Mathew 11:28 NASB. Sept 1, 2014 verse of the day says “ Pursue peace with all men, and the sanctification without which no one will see the Lord.” Well I think its time to come to a close on this for now. God bless all that read and maybe realize the same. Later…….
Two months today my sunshine left my eyes to shine upward next to God. I see no clouds but tears that seem like rain are the painful memories no longer here. Sure the memories are good but they ended. I am not angry with God or anyone for that matter just realized that my sunshine is gone. I live on the corner of grey street like the void when God first formed the earth. All numb but still just as painful. As I look around everywhere I go no one sits in the car. My sunshine is not shining anywhere the car nor my heart. While it goes blue I am trying to keep it open to maybe one day it will have some sun in it again. Jeannie was so worried and she had every right to be. All the things she said has come to pass but I know I kept my promise on everything including a bottle cause that’s no help just continues to hurt even more. I wish there was something that someone could say but in all reality nothing can be done. As Jesus suffered on the cross and God let him to save us all. Even though I know that one day I will be there with her it wont be the same cause its not now. Sometimes I am so tired of people and all the things in the world I just want him to take me home even like he did with Enoch. I know that the Bible is filled with helpful advice on how to deal with this type of thing that goes on with humans. Times like these I really wish I didn’t have emotions cause I would not feel them but I feel the pain of others as well. As I walk and talk Jeannie is not there to let her sunshine shine on my face. No one is here to take pain away no one is here to help me understand. I gave all my heart to her and when she left she took it with her. I don’t know what to do now I am not totally lost but lost enough to where I cant seem to contemplate trying to find someone that will even give me the sun shine close to jeannies. I know I enjoyed our time but miss things now cause I feel as life is back to boring. Not knowing what lay ahead of my life but I sure wish it would decide that I am not here anymore. I actually just want to go to a mountain top and never come down. I am supposed to help others but I am so weak that how can I? it doesn’t shine anymore for me maybe for you cause you have someone to wake up next to. What to do, oh what to do? No answers no looking or searching for them either. As time goes by I will change hopefully get better. Til then My Sunshine is gone with nothing but darkness remains….