It is ironic how we walk this earth with joy in our lives to see the beauty in which God has given us the ability to see and hear the sounds of His voice echoing. Life is also filled with sadness at times that we can not see his beauty in that and the reason is Death has no face and if he did it would probably startle us to the point that we realize that Death is not the scary part is not knowing what happens after it. Even though we know what God says it will be like. His words are true but our minds plague us by Fear. When we know God we must realize that what is there to fear. I have no fear when it comes to speaking the truth so in turn I should have no fear of what happens when we loose someone. Each loss maybe different which I myself have not experienced loosing a Father or Sister or Brother by birth. I have experienced something like no other that I have before June 7, 2014 when Jeannie went from this world. Its been a touch and go with God on this not understanding His purpose or plan for such events in my life. I have no fear of what happen after with her I only have fear of being without her but I do know I am not really without her. She has never left my heart which is difficult at times knowing what I know. There has been someone who reminded me of this last night. A good and dear friend is name will not be mention because its not really important of who its what they said. I know God has a greater plan and purpose for me. When I figured it out it changed cause I changed when I am weak not knowing why I was falling into the darkness that plagues us all. We have to remember that we follow God we walk in the light where no darkness can find residence. The hard part is staying in the light and I want to elaborate on that darkness which is sin by the way. If we don’t change the path we are on and we fall victim to the darkness of Satan by letting lies and any other corrupt idea or anything that is not of God and his word then we will loose. Well I say by the truth that’s in my heart I will not be a victim but a survivor of what I called the greatest illness, Sin. Sin comes in many forms and followers of Christ know this or hopefully know it. I have some hurdles to get passed but I will conquer them regardless of the effects of others that don’t see it the way I do or more importantly the way God sees it to be. No more sitting here or laying down on the job of being the best person God wants me to be. I will speak the truth no matter what may come of it. If I am speaking the truth as God has instructed me to do then I will even in life or death situation. He has been the only one that has truly been there no matter what I have said or done and continues to be and do so. Even now with tears of joy with pain in my face with a smile I say that. I know now what I must do I will be guided by those who can guide me that God has entrusted to do so. Sometimes its difficult to imagine what we would do when it comes to really telling the truth. Something my Mom always said to me growing up she said to me always tell the truth no matter the hurt she also said I didn’t raise you to be liars. If I was wrong I have always admitted it even in times I was in trouble with the law when I was younger about 18 and 19 years old. That was a rough year then if you don’t know that is the year 1998. February that year my Grandma passed my moms mother. In December 23, 1998 is a date, no matter how my memory behaves, I will never forget. That was the date my Mom passed away from Breast Cancer she was in a coma. Since it being that date the family was urged to have a burial sooner than normal so we said yes that would be best. So December 24, Christmas Eve, my mom was layed to rest for the final time. Time has passed and still gets to me. I will be truthful time is not of God so why should we say time will ease your pain. No time wont only God can truly take our pain away but since we are on this earth we all have to suffer in some way otherwise we wouldn’t know we were human with raw emotions that sometimes you just cant control. Since years about 15 or so have passed since my mom and grandma passed and now my Wife passing still brings pain like no other. I am thankful that people are around helping in everyway they can sometimes my pain gets extreme and I react. Well I have to learn that the people that try to help are not the problem its me with the uncontrolled emotional pain. Which by the way I feel as though I really do feel emotions different but I do know for a fact that everyone experiences emotions different as well as pain emotional and physical. I am not alone in this world there are truly others that feel the way I do my problem was that I was blinded once again by the words that were being said in my mind me being allowed to be tested to see in which direction my heart would go. I know my purpose is to help those in need through my struggles that one day we may all be on the same page as God to truly see his beauty which his has thought spoken and written into existence. His beauty is in the hearts of many like my Grandma, Mom and most of all my sweet precious Jeannie. To come to self realization through the Word of God is painful to know the real truth which all will be revealed to us by many means whether it be His Word or by people that are truly following in the Light of Him. I will get through this like I have always gotten through this as I have been reminded by a few people that I am a strong man and a man of God. I hope that some how this reaches the hearts of many to think on for a while no need of comments. Just pray for me and you will see the change you so desire to see for the Glory of God. With the truth being said I wish you the best in your journey that I may inspire you some how the ones who read this let it be known that don’t let society or your friends or family even choose your path that only God has planned for you. No matter what the cost always tell the truth it will truly make you free. If you are doing wrong in Gods eyes than change it if you are doing what He has instructed you to do then do it no matter what simply because He is the only one you need to worry about pleasing Him and Glorifying Him which gave you life. Later……..
As I sit here once again in the room that used to be Jeannie’s, which I still consider it hers. Things that are mostly scattered are hers but now mine entrusted to me by her. There are things in this room I don’t consider mine. As I grieve along with the rest who dearly loved her and still do like her mom, dad and sister and all the rest that were very close to her I think about the rest of the people that did not show care. Most of them which I have blocked two may come unblocked at some point but not any of her friends that were called the Lupe troop. I don’t care much about them I thought they were all blocked till last night when I read that one of them was still lingering. What is disappointing is that when the end came they all ran to each other not to the ones that needed them or spread lies. I don’t have to name names cause they are already being dealt with in a spiritual manor and will continue to be dealt with by God! I have forgiven all that have transgressed me in anyway but that don’t me I forget. Forgiveness comes easy for me but forgetting unless by some chance I have memory issue’s of my own. You know what though I have to do it simply because God asks me to do such things to be closer to him. I think in all our lives there have been and some continue to still plague us of the wrong they did. What really gets me is that all the ones mentioned before as the Lupe Troop that were at the wedding were liars and did not like me from the beginning. They really only tolerated me because of Jeannie which in reality really means they were that good of friends to Jeannie. Which breaks my heart when it came to her to find out that those people, and yes I said those people, were as oppressive and sinister as the devil. Well I have never been perfect but at least I am willing to admit it. I believe all those thought they were. Now as things take there course I believe they for some reason will be forgotten at some point. They only linger because of things that were said should have never been said. I may have a broken heart from Jeannie passing but its not by the mouths that speak ill will towards others. I so will remember this for the rest of my life. What really bugs me is I was in the house of two that called me to my face “family”, liars they are. You know what God says about liars they are as guilty as murderers, thieves and all the rest that work for the devil. Things will change when God allows it to change. So now that all being said I say this Broken hearts are mended by God alone. Jesus will help all those that want it and follow him to death if he so shall desires it. I will all ways shout his name to the highest places to the lowest. People have no idea what they say or think but I simply only care about what God thinks or says. Nothing else matters about anything in this world except me following God the way he has instructed us to be. Things like I have mentioned above is what weighs me down. It reminds me but does not compare to what the Jewish people went through or what other nationalities went through around WWII or any other war that was about oppression and slavery. We are slaves by people who use words carelessly. Not thinking about what it may cause them or others around them. Not realizing the effects that may incur to others along the way cause by the time this is all said and done the story will be told fully by me without repercussions from those that think just cause you call me family dosent mean for one second that I actually believe you cause I know truth when I hear it. I am more apt to believe someone who goes to learn and educate themselves about God than those mothers who leave their child with there husbands only to find when they get home there son is on the kitchen floor eating a bag of sugar and her husband who is a cop is in the bed asleep. Not judging people or even sins just stating facts that were mention to me by the mother who is by the way a 911 supervisor. Any way I think its time to close this cause I will just keep on and on. I point out the obvious and tell the truth no matter what the cost to me or anyone else. This all need to be said and you know what I feel even better sharing what so called “ friends” can do or say or want to do not knowing that what they said or done can come back to bite them. To all that read this I am sorry if by what I says offends you or causes you to be upset by these words. I said all this to say don’t let the words of the wicked rule you or bring you down and separate your relationship from God. I pray for all those that pray for me and I know who they are. I want to be a good influence to people not a bad one which I want the same for those around me please. Till next time God bless and follow him that gave you life.
As I have listened to a song just now and cried my eyes out. I think of those touching moments I shared with Jeannie. Its so hard to live without her she even told me that she was worried about that very thing. Today in itself was a changing event. I now realize what is going on with me and what I need to do to accept that she is gone to God and one day I hope to see her I just have to wait and endure what comes along. I was selfish and Honestly am not supposed to be according to God’s word. We as Christians are supposed to be selfless not selfish and the reason for that is simple that means we are living for flesh not spirit of which made us. From whence we came we shall return. Ashes to ashes dust to dust. My burdens are not as great suffer by Jesus. He was without sin but his Father made him endure so that we may have everlasting life. In that hope that we read about and study tells us that we can do all things through God. We may not know the future or can change what we do know about it. We all know that one day we will meet him and hopefully he will let us all enter that narrow gate. I know and fully understand what I must do. With me I am a quick learner. I just have to keep following what he says to do to get there. We are all sinners but to follow him is so much sweeter. I have to lay my Heavy Burdens down at his feet so that he may crush them like grapes. I may moan and groan about the way the world is and most of the people in it not realizing that I myself are do what I despise the most living for worldly things and not focusing my attention to greater things. With my faults there plus what I don’t mention I stand alone in my own sin. So now what to do? I do what he ask me to do. That is to lift those up in need even though I struggle with loss and other things. I have faith that one day I will see Jeannie again maybe not as I remember but I am hoping that smile that so lingers in my mind. While other images of her remain that are not so grand to look upon the face of death. I will rid those images to where I can cope with life itself. Not knowing what lay ahead of me I know that if I continue the way before I wrote this I was not going to see her. I was tormented by those who thought I didn’t love her. That in itself was murder and it is the same as to lie or steal or be jealous of those that have more. Sin is Sin no matter how you see it. I realize now that why am I letting those people affect my very existence which God gave me not man or woman. Why should I let those oppress me or confuse my walk only to stumble to realize that God is the only one to trust. He says do not put your faith in man only God alone. So I pray for all those who don’t understand that think they do understand. If we waiver just the least bit we could be cut down and thrown into the furnace. I will stand account for everything I have said not said and everything I have done or have not done. Just so you know I do know when people pray for me and it is a lot of people. You might ask how I know just read 1 Corinthians 12 and you will see. I am not hiding anything anymore simply because remember everything done in the dark shall be brought to the light. John 14:6 Jesus *said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me. You version bible app verse of the day says NASB version. September 3, 2014: “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Mathew 11:28 NASB. Sept 1, 2014 verse of the day says “ Pursue peace with all men, and the sanctification without which no one will see the Lord.” Well I think its time to come to a close on this for now. God bless all that read and maybe realize the same. Later…….